11/16/12

Ember from Something Witchy...Teaches Vampires 101

Hi, There! My name is Ember Blaylock, narrator and bad karma fairy victim from AJ Myer's new novel, Something Witchy--at least she thinks it's hers. I'm of the opinion she's just taking dictation. Anyway! I have got such a treat for you. I'm going to teach you all how to spot your own personal member of the undead in a little class I call...

How to Spot a vampire in Five easy steps( I so wish someone had given this advice to me, so pay attention!)

Step 1: Just hit him with your car. Go head! He;s kind of dead already, so it's not like you're going yo kill him--unless he's not really a vampire. In that case...Well, you know a good Lawyer, right?

Step 2: If he climbs from the wreckage of his insanely expensive car and your brain goes all fuzzy and you forget that drooling is embarrassing, that's another clue that you're dealing with the undead. And trust me, you will forget. Because vampires are hot! Like, jaw-dropping, speech-impairing, tingle-inducing hot. And if he smiles at you, You can just go ahead and consider yourself screwed.

Step 3: That yummy voice that makes you want to dissolve into a puddle at his feet and declare your undying love? Yeah, that's your third clue. My suggestion? Invest in earplugs. Now. Vampires can do this weird kind of mind voodoo with their voice and make you do pretty much whatever they want you to do. So if you don't want to end up quacking like a duck or something----which, especially if he's pissed enough about his car, you could very well end up doing ---take preventative measures.

Step 4: Vampires are stubborn, arrogant, lead-skulled meatheads that have no idea how not to get what they want. They call it being 'protective', I call it being obnoxious. DO NOT let him get the upper hand. Sure, you're taking the chance of becoming a blookshake, but at least you'll die with a little dignity, right?

Step 5: If you're still not sure you're dealing with a vampire, make him smile at you. Really smile, not one of those half-assed grins he's been using to turn mind to mush and light your nerve endings up like a Christmas tree. Tickle him, tell him a dirty joke, offer a lap dance. Do whatever you have to do to make him show you those pearly whites.

Yeah, those fangs are a dead giveaway right?

And that concludes our lesson for today. join us again for the next lecture on how to survive the World of Weird when we'll be covering Demon Bashing 101.

Oh! And good luck with your vampire. Believe me; you're going to need it.


Don't forget to check out the giveaway to the right of the page. And tomorrow check out an Excerpt for Something Witchy! If you have already entered there is more you can do each day!!

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