11/9/13

Bad Karma Fairy by AJ Meyer and told by Ember Blaylock

Bad Karma Fairy 101

Hi there! For those of you not in the know, my name is Ember Blaylock, your supernatural tour guide

through the World of Weird.

If you have been following along, you know that I am the karmic punching bag for one hag of a fairy.

That’s right, I mean you, Bad Karma Fairy! So far, she’s had me kidnapped by a vampire—ok, so I fell in

love with said vampire kidnapper, but that’s so not the point!—had me stalked by a demon, and now,

because she just can’t seem to get enough of tormenting me, I’m dead! Well, ‘kind of’ dead, but still.

What?! You wake up without a pulse and tell me how you describe it!

Anyway, I’m getting totally off point here. This lesson is about how to stay off of the malicious little

harpy’s radar. Therefore, I’ll get on with it.

Step 1: Be All Angelic

Bad karma is brought about by bad choices, right? Well, now would be the time to turn over that new

leaf that you swore you were going to turn over two years ago. That lie you just told your mom about

where you were Saturday night? Yeah, go fess up that you were partying on Bonfire Hill with the guy

she told you not to see anymore. That test you have crib notes scribbled on your arm for? Um, have

you ever heard of soap? Actually, you might want to try bleach instead. Wouldn’t want anything left to

tempt you. Just think nuns, or saints, or cute and fuzzy bunnies. Just don’t give the hag any reason to

find you interesting!

Step 2: Employ Evasive Maneuvers

If, like me, the convent just isn’t going to work for you, you need a strategy. My suggestion? Find

somebody who makes you at least look saintly. For instance, the school bully could use a good dose of

bad karma. Or maybe there’s a serial killer in the local jail you can point her toward. And, of course,

there’s always the jerk-off that cut you off this morning while you were on your way to class. Yeah, you

know he’s got some bad karma coming. The point is, if she’s looking at someone else, she’s not looking

at you!

Step 3: Think Ahead

Ok, so you didn’t turn into a saint and you can’t seem to find her a new target that’s worse than you—

dude, that’s pretty bad—so you’d better start trying to see what’s coming. Wanna run that red light?

Don’t! Thought you heard someone trying to break in while your parents were out? Duh! Hide under

the bed and call 911. Whatever you do, don’t go check it out. Start smelling human roast when your

buddy looks at you? Call an exorcist and hide! See, she needs you to walk into her traps. If you’re two

steps ahead of her, you might just have a chance of surviving.

Step 4: Beg

I can see by your neck brace that you ran the red light. Your double black eyes tell me you tried to stop

the burglar yourself. And that pale skin…yeah, looks like you’ve ended up in the same boat drifting

oarlessly down stinky creek that I’m in. If you’re like me, you’re now at the point where you have

absolutely no pride left at all and are willing to beg. You’ll promise to be that saint I tried to tell you to

be earlier. You’ll swear you’ll never do anything wrong again. You’ll vow to do better if she’ll just leave

you alone.

But, she won’t. She’s got your scent now, buddy, and you are completely screwed. Which brings us to

the only option left on the table.

Step 5: Start Planning Your Revenge

Not that it will do you a bit of good, but this is where you start to think up ways to get even. My

personal favorite? Strategically placing her wand in a place where the sun doesn’t shine. And setting

her on fire. And roasting marshmallows over her blazing corpse.

Well, that concludes our lesson for today. I don’t have a single delusion that you will make it through

my good friend the BKF, so I won’t hold my breath waiting to see how you come out afterwards. Sorry,

dude. All I can say is…

Welcome to my world!

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