12/14/12

How to Survive Being Stalked By a Demon 101


How to Survive Being Stalked By a Demon 101
 With Ember!


Welcome back! So, you made it through your first encounter with the undead. Bravo! Give yourself a pat on the back. Seriously, you deserve it.

For those of you just tuning in, my name is Ember Blaylock, narrator and karmic torture victim—because apparently the author has nothing better to do with her life than mess with mine—of AJ Myers’ new YA series, Mystics & Mayhem. I have devised these little lessons in how to survive the World of Weird to help you not stumble into the same quicksand I find myself in over and over again. So! Without further whining on my part, here goes!

How to Survive Being Stalked By a Demon 101

Lesson 1: What does a demon look like?

Demons are ugly, misshapen little monsters. You know the type. Talon-like claws; scary fangs; leathery, bat-style wings—a true nightmare in the making. But! Most people never see them. Because what a demon really likes is a good human suit. They can look like your best friend, your boyfriend, your gym teacher, your parents...you get the picture. And, no. It’s not going to be real obvious—at least at first. I mean, this isn’t The Exorcist, people. Your gym teacher’s head isn’t going to start spinning around when she gets pissed. There’s not going to be any projectile green vomit—at least you can hope not. And sores spelling out ‘Hi! I’m a demon!’ are not going to appear on their forehead. I only wish it was that easy to figure out.

So if you think you’re being stalked by a demon, keep your guard up at all times. Until you figure out a way to tell the difference, everyone’s a suspect!

Lesson 2: How do you tell the difference?

You ever heard that your body will tell you when something’s wrong? Well, it’s true, so pay attention to what your gut tells you—and if you’re anything like me, you’re going to end up with an island-sized ulcer there so you won’t be able to miss it.

For this section were’ going to do three questions and three answers. And if I call on you, please don’t ask me anything stupid. I have my own demon problems to get back to, you know?

Q1: Hi, Ember. Look, my boyfriend and I were walking through the park the other night and I got the strangest feeling we were being watched. Seriously, my hair stood up on end and I felt all creepy-crawly. Could that have been a demon?

A: Well, yeah, it could have been. But it also could have been the local pervert getting off on watching you and your boyfriend make out. If you think it was a demon, though, start watching your back…and your front…and both sides. You know what? Never mind. Just go home, board up your windows and doors, get your teddy bear and a blanket, and go hide in your closet. I mean, better safe than sorry, right?

Q2: I’ve been having this really weird experience with my friend, we’ll call him Joe. It seems like every time I’m around him, I start feeling like I’m drowning. The other day, I even started spitting out what looked and tasted like salt water. Is that something I should worry about?

A: Seriously? Uh, yeah. You need to be more than worried. You need to be afraid. Like, really afraid. It’s your subconscious or whatever trying to warn you. My suggestion? You might want to listen! Because it only gets worse. At least you aren’t being burnt alive every time he touches you. Yeah, that’s a total riot. But, really, you need to start looking up your local exorcist. Because ‘Joe’ is so not ‘Joe’ anymore. Trust me, I know what I’m talking about.

Q3: Hey. I’m kind of past all that. I have all the symptoms of a demon stalking me. What I want to know is, how do I get rid of him?

A: Good question! The rest of you need to pay attention to this, too. Better take notes while you’re at it. There’s no guarantee that I’ll be around to tell you again. I’d say my chances are like…fifty-fifty? Well, I guess I’ll know soon enough…

Lesson 3: How do you exterminate your demon stalker?

First off, you have my condolences. If you are being stalked by a demon, you’re in deep shit. Demons are scary, annoying, stalkerish assholes that are determined to get their own way. If you do have the bad luck to attract one, you’re going to need a batty old witch—look up your dear old Grams, she’s usually a good candidate—a magic amulet, and balls the size of a Mack truck to get rid of him.

Oh! And that vampire you went and fell in love with? What? Oh, please! Who are you kidding? You know you fell in love with him, so don’t even try to deny it. Anyway, your undead Prince Charming is about to prove himself useful for something other than making you all hot and bothered. Demons don’t like vampires very much, so he can be a real asset while you’re trying to keep from becoming a soulless demon doll.

Lesson 4: Okay, I’ve got the witch, the amulet, and the vampire…now what?

Yeah. This is where those balls I mentioned earlier are going to come in. Because all those powerful people you have on your team aside, it’s really up to you to get rid of this creeper. You have to summon the demon. You have to trap him. Then, you have to find some way to get him out of his comfy little human vacation home. But, hey, once you’ve got that done, it’s in the bag, right?

Sure it is! Just wiggle your nose and say ‘Abracadabra!’ and, poof! He’s gone! Yeah, I bet you believe in Santa and the Easter Bunny too, huh? If only it was that easy.

Believe me, this creeper is not going down without a fight. And it’s a seriously hair-curling experience. Because demons aren’t as stupid as you might think. So get ready. You’re in for one hell of a ride.
And that concludes our lesson for today. If you survive your demon, come on back next time. If not…

Well, it was nice knowing ya!


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